I am dating/engaged – Should I be making decisions about having children?
It depends. Most likely, you will find out in the future that the decisions you made as a younger person no longer fits your lifestyle.
Therefore, there’s no use to be attached to a decision of lifetime (becoming parents or not) that you may have made as a younger person.
There are several factors why people decide having children or not:
- Their own experiences from their family of origin
- Watching siblings/friends being parents
- Believing children put lots of limitations (traveling, becoming financially secure, etc)
- Believing the expenses of having children is more than you can afford
- Having negative/positive experiences while “helping” parents raising younger children
- Having trauma/abuse their own as a child
- And so forth
There is no way for someone to really know what is to become a parent unless you go to the experience yourself. It is NOT the same as watching over nieces/nephews/friend’s children.
It is NOT the same as helping with your younger siblings.
It is a unique experience that singlehanded will transform you as a person.
Furthermore, life becomes more complex with time. Your desires now are much different than what will be in 5 or 10 years.
The best way to approach this question, is forming a neutral narrative that will send the message to your partner about your readiness for children or not.
For example, if someone asks you, you can say: “At this moment, I am more like a ‘maybe’ than a ‘never’, but things can change in the future.” Or you can say: “I always dreamed of having 4-5 kids, but I’ll have to decide that with my partner when we get there.”
The one thing you should NOT do is lying to your partner, when you already know your answer.
If you feel that you will NEVER want a child – communicate that, and don’t try to convince someone who ALWAYS wanted to have kids. It’s just NOT a match. Move on to someone else.
At the end of the day, both of you come from different experiences, and it will be very valid to explore possibilities and have an open conversation about having children, so it won’t be a surprise in the future.
If you or someone you know are questioning about their relationship future, talk to us.
Call us at (813) 530-5180 or go to www.TampaTherapyWellness.com