Defensive Behaviors in Couples

WHAT IS A DEFENSIVE BEHAVIOR?

Defensive behavior is a reaction to a perceived threat or criticism, where individuals attempt to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable or attacked. When someone is defensive, they may put up emotional walls, refuse to listen, or become argumentative. This can create a barrier in relationships by preventing open communication, fostering resentment, and leading to misunderstandings based on assumptions.

An example of defensive behavior in couples is when one partner constantly deflects blame onto the other instead of taking responsibility for their actions. This can lead to a cycle of conflict and erosion of trust in the relationship.

WHY PEOPLE BECOME DEFENSIVE?

People become defensive for various reasons, such as past experiences of being criticized or hurt, fear of being judged or rejected, low self-esteem, or a lack of effective communication skills. Understanding these underlying reasons can help in addressing and changing defensive behavior.

It is important to note that people may not recognize that they are acting defensively. You might see it in your partner, but you may not see it in yourself.

When you see the defensive behavior in your partner, try to apply the following:

6 WAYS TO HANDLE A PARTNER WITH DEFENSIVE BEHAVIOR:

1. Approach them with empathy and understanding.
2. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming.
3. Choose the right time and place to have a conversation.
4. Practice active listening and validate their feelings.
5. Offer constructive feedback and solutions instead of criticism.
6. Seek professional help if needed to navigate through the challenges.

When you recognize that you became defensive, try to use the following strategies:

6 STRATEGIES TO CHANGE OWN DEFENSIVE BEHAVIOR:

1. Practice self-awareness and recognize triggers and fears that lead to defensiveness.
2. Take a pause before reacting and try to see the situation from different perspectives.
3. Develop better communication skills, such as assertiveness and active listening.
4. Work on building self-confidence and self-compassion.
5. Seek feedback from trusted individuals to gain insights into blind spots.
6. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques to manage stress and emotions.

People may ask: is there a way to exercise self-control and NOT become defensive? Yes, there is.

INSTEAD OF BECOMING DEFENSIVE, TRY THESE 4 ALTERNATIVES:

1. Practice empathy and try to understand the other person’s perspective.
2. Take a deep breath and focus on staying calm in challenging situations.
3. Ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand the situation correctly.
4. Express your feelings and needs assertively without attacking the other person.

Furthermore, when you are feeling defensive, try to ask these questions:

1. What am I feeling right now?
2. What triggered this reaction?
3. Is this connected to anything I felt in my past?
4. Is there a different way to interpret the situation?
5. How can I communicate my feelings effectively without being defensive?

A lot of you becoming defensive, is about your survivability – you perceive a threat (real of not), or perhaps have triggered a threat you lived in the past, and you’re reacting to it.

Seeking couples therapy and/or individual therapy can be beneficial in addressing defensive behaviors. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues, improve communication skills, and work towards building healthier relationships.